oh god

Oct. 24th, 2011 07:06 pm
platedlizard: (Default)
that $4.34 cents I just got as a refund on my disbursement better not be it for the term, or I am up shit creek without a paddle.

At least my classes are paid for, but that won't even cover a week's worth of bus tickets, let alone food, gas, car insurance, my medication (haven't taken it in a week, already feeling the depression come back, IDK what I'll do if I don't get the rest of my student loans this term... probably kill myself and no I am not joking)

oh geeze, I'm getting suicidal thoughts again already. Next up, excessive consumption of alcohol, mid-night freakouts and self-mutilation! Oh my, what fun! I can't wait!

/pulls hair out
platedlizard: (Default)
Posting this here because my family watches my livejournal, and I don't want to freak them out again. Pretty sure no one watches this anyways so it doesn't matter.

For the last nine months of my life I went to a dental assisting school, did an externship, etc, all with the idea that I might have something of a career at the end of it. My second extern site even offered to hire me, when I got my radiology certificate. I got it several days after I finished externing, and immediately drove over with it (and with my final, which I had forgotten to bring in the last day I was there). Well, the office manager looked pretty busy so I left a note with my phone number and the final (which had the fax number for the school so they could send it in). And waited.

And waited.

And waited.

I got a call from the school telling me that they had all my other paperwork, except for my final. THis was a couple days AFTER I had left it. Okay... I guess it got lost?

So I called the clinic again. The manager was busy so I left a message. And she didn't call back. I guess I could have been more assertive, but I'm nearly phobic about making to anyone but my family, and to be honest I felt kinda like I'd gotten stood up or something. This was the place that had freaked me out the first week I was there, and now I'm seriously rethinking whether I want to work there at all, or even be a dental assistant.

My extern coordinator was on vacation, she comes back Monday so I'm going to call her then and see if she can get them to turn that final in. Even if I decide to, I don't know, go work at a call center or something, I fucking earned my EFDA and I want it framed.

But that's only part of the reason why I'm so fucking depressed, because the other reason is that I'm so fucking lonely. Most people have friends. That is, they have people that when they're miserable they can call and talk to. I don't. I really don't. All my closest 'friends' are on the internet, and there's only one who will reply to my posts with anything like regularity. I can only assume the others aren't particularly interested in my whining, and that's fair because it's not like we're at all close. It's still fucking depressing to know there's only one person outside my family who is interested enough in me to send me a 'I'm sorry you're feeling down' message when I post suicidal things on my livejournal.

Oh yeah, my family. I live about half a mile from them, and I haven't spoken to them for about two weeks. I'm not big on calling people in the first place, but Mom usually calls me about twice a week so I have no idea what's up. They never come over to visit. Well, sometimes Dad does, but only if I've posted something suicidal in my livejournal again. Never to just visit me for no reason. And, like I said, it's not like I have friends, so there isn't anyone else who comes over.

Anyways, tomorrow I'll go over with my dirty laundry and I guess I might talk with my family. I don't know.

Some days, like right now, I really wonder where I'm going with my life. I go through the motions of trying to find a purpose, but most of the time I'm just spinning my wheels, getting nowhere. I look at my future and I don't really see anything. No family of my own, no kids, no husband or even a boyfriend. Or girlfriend, at this point I'd turn gay if it meant I'd have someone to talk to. Just me and my pets. Right now my pets are pretty much the only thing keeping me from killing myself, mostly because they have huge cages and I'm on a second floor apartment. Before I kill myself I'd have to do the responsible thing and take them down to the humane society, and they'd need/want their cages, and those cages would be a pain in the ass to move. So basically at this point I'm avoiding suicide because I'm too lazy.

I've started biting and scratching myself again. Haven't really done that since High School. Why couldn't I have gotten the cool self-mutilation disorder? Cutters get all the attention, I swear. Sometimes I get so upset that I'm crying and the next thing I know my hand is jammed in my mouth and I'm biting as hard as I can get away with without tearing chunks out. Left a bruise two nights ago, fortunately it doesn't look like a bitemark. At least I'm not pulling my hair out.

And this brings me to another point of my current depression. If I died right now no one would notice. Well, my pets would because no one would feed or water them and they'd probably die too, eventually. No one would check on me until I started to stink, not even my family. I'm 28 years old and already a friendless shutin. What kind of life is that?

Anyways, I feel like shit and I may regret writing this tomorrow and delete. Or crosspost it to my livejournal so I can get the teeny bit of attention that's all I seem to get from people.

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platedlizard

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