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The Stages of My Insomnia
Dec. 10th, 2005 06:47 amForgive me as I whine...
I have a sleeping problem. Well, actually I suspect that it is really an anxiety problem but it manifests itself by occasionally making it impossible for me to sleep. Generally what happens is that Something Happens to keep me up later then usual. This Something might be something as innocent as a new book, or very very upsetting. Another factor is that I have to go to work the next day, usually relatively early in the morning. So looking at the clock I realize that I have X (seven, six, five) hours to sleep, so I lay down and try to fall asleep. Naturally, because I am thinking so much about How I Need To Get To Sleep (or worse, whatever it is that is Really Upsetting Me). For some reason instead of making me actually go to sleep, this jacks up my system better then a cup of coffee, and not in a good way.
This means that right now I am not only exhausted so badly I just spent an hour crying about it, I'm also so wired that I am shaking. By the way, no actual caffinated drinks were consumed in the past twelve hours, and only two mildly caffinated drinks were consumed in the last 24. And I don't do other forms of drugs.
Oh, I Did have one beer, but I don't think that would have an effect.
So I feel very tired, and wired as all get out. To make matters worse I'm sick. Nothing serious, just a minor cold, it's just that I've already called in sick twice this week and I Really Really don't want to do it again. I should. In fact I should tell them that I probably won't be able to come in tomorrow, too, but I'm such a coward about this. I do have a doctor's note, which ought to be good for one week of sick days, but still I feel like a slacker. I know that if I call in they'll make me feel like one, even if I don't already. And that makes me mad. Just because THEY are stupid enough to go to work feeling like crap doesn't me that I am.
I guess one of my major causes of anxiety is that my bosses have not been real good about scheduling me. I work in two departments at the same store, and the schedule gets written up by two different people. As a result I have been working six days a week for the last four or five weeks, and that kinda sucks. I don't really mind the hours, but I'm starting to feel stressed and angry, but part of me doesn't want to talk to my managers about it. I don't want my hours cut, after all. I just want to be able to have two days off a week. Two half-days and one full day off are not the same as two full days off. I'm pretty sure that working all those long weeks is the reason why I got sick. I don't deal with stress very well. Also, despite all those hours I have been putting in I still am a part time worker, and I really want to know if they are going to cut my hours back to actual part-time status, or if they are going to give me full-time status sometime in the near future.
Also, I am getting sick of working at places that don't allow jeans. I just went to the doctor yesterday, and the receptionists were all wearing jeans, and so was the teller at the bank. If jeans are professional enough for a receptionist at a medical clinic or a bank I don't see why I have to wear stupid kakies. A 'real' job lets you wear jeans to work, IMO.
God. I STILL feel wired. At Seven Fucking AM. I just want to go to sleep. I wish I had a drug problem, because then I would have a fucking excuse.
I think I'm going to call in sick, and tell them that I won't be coming in tomorrow either. If they don't like it they can suck it up.
I have a sleeping problem. Well, actually I suspect that it is really an anxiety problem but it manifests itself by occasionally making it impossible for me to sleep. Generally what happens is that Something Happens to keep me up later then usual. This Something might be something as innocent as a new book, or very very upsetting. Another factor is that I have to go to work the next day, usually relatively early in the morning. So looking at the clock I realize that I have X (seven, six, five) hours to sleep, so I lay down and try to fall asleep. Naturally, because I am thinking so much about How I Need To Get To Sleep (or worse, whatever it is that is Really Upsetting Me). For some reason instead of making me actually go to sleep, this jacks up my system better then a cup of coffee, and not in a good way.
This means that right now I am not only exhausted so badly I just spent an hour crying about it, I'm also so wired that I am shaking. By the way, no actual caffinated drinks were consumed in the past twelve hours, and only two mildly caffinated drinks were consumed in the last 24. And I don't do other forms of drugs.
Oh, I Did have one beer, but I don't think that would have an effect.
So I feel very tired, and wired as all get out. To make matters worse I'm sick. Nothing serious, just a minor cold, it's just that I've already called in sick twice this week and I Really Really don't want to do it again. I should. In fact I should tell them that I probably won't be able to come in tomorrow, too, but I'm such a coward about this. I do have a doctor's note, which ought to be good for one week of sick days, but still I feel like a slacker. I know that if I call in they'll make me feel like one, even if I don't already. And that makes me mad. Just because THEY are stupid enough to go to work feeling like crap doesn't me that I am.
I guess one of my major causes of anxiety is that my bosses have not been real good about scheduling me. I work in two departments at the same store, and the schedule gets written up by two different people. As a result I have been working six days a week for the last four or five weeks, and that kinda sucks. I don't really mind the hours, but I'm starting to feel stressed and angry, but part of me doesn't want to talk to my managers about it. I don't want my hours cut, after all. I just want to be able to have two days off a week. Two half-days and one full day off are not the same as two full days off. I'm pretty sure that working all those long weeks is the reason why I got sick. I don't deal with stress very well. Also, despite all those hours I have been putting in I still am a part time worker, and I really want to know if they are going to cut my hours back to actual part-time status, or if they are going to give me full-time status sometime in the near future.
Also, I am getting sick of working at places that don't allow jeans. I just went to the doctor yesterday, and the receptionists were all wearing jeans, and so was the teller at the bank. If jeans are professional enough for a receptionist at a medical clinic or a bank I don't see why I have to wear stupid kakies. A 'real' job lets you wear jeans to work, IMO.
God. I STILL feel wired. At Seven Fucking AM. I just want to go to sleep. I wish I had a drug problem, because then I would have a fucking excuse.
I think I'm going to call in sick, and tell them that I won't be coming in tomorrow either. If they don't like it they can suck it up.