I'm crying too hard to sleep
Sep. 24th, 2008 09:47 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
platedlizardGod, I sound whiny. But I really am.
This office is NOTHING like the last. Absolutely nothing, other then being a dental office. By the end of the day, both yesterday and today, I was shaking with shear terror/stress. I literally COULD NOT STOP, and I needed to because we use double films and it's really hard to separate those if your hands are shaking. I keep making stupid mistakes, mistakes that I SHOULD know better not to do, but because I'm so fucking scared I cannot think straight.
Tuesday I kinda expected I would feel confused and a bit stressed and scared. Heck, my first day at the previous place was kinda stressful too! I thought I would be better today, especially after I told the doctor that I was comfortable doing child prophy (which I was). Instead, today was about three times as worse emotionally. I was so scared in the morning that I felt like puking in the parking lot, and on the way home I was crying while driving on the freeway. I could not stop.
And now I can't stop crying while typing this. I feel like a failure. I feel like I threw $13,000 out the fucking window because I thought it would be kinda nice for once to have an actual fucking career that didn't involve dog shit. I haven't cried like this over a fucking JOB since I tried working two full time jobs. (a situation which ended after nearly two weeks and I almost killed my self. I am NOT KIDDING). I do not fucking deal with stress at all well. I am seriously considering taking all my critters over to the Oregon Humane Society and dropping them off on their doorstep before ODing on something. Again, NOT KIDDING! The only reason why I haven't yet is because I KNOW there are slower paced offices out there and maybe I should try to find one after my extern hours are up.
It isn't the people at this office. It really isn't. I have no problems taking criticism, and everyone's very understanding about me being new. This dentist is also awesome, like the last one was. The other assistants are awesome. Even the slightly-short tempered Russian hygienist assistant is pretty awesome. The office manager told me she wants to hire me, which I suppose is nice but if things don't drastically improve for me by that time (in about two weeks ohshitohshitohshit) I will turn them down. I need a job, but not at the expense of my mental health.
I'm not sure what my problem is, other then being new in a BIG SCARY office, but I think it might be a control issue combined with my until-now in-remission anxiety issues (HELLO THERE NO SLEEPY TIMES! YOU AND I HAVEN'T BEEN TOGETHER IN NEARLY THREE YEARS!) I feel like I'm in the middle of a whirlwind and I'm just going to get dashed against the ground at any moment by some stupid mistake and I'll hurt a patient AND IT WILL BE ALL MY FAULT! Because I'm stupid and thought this would be a good career for me. I feel like an idiot, like a fucking failure and that I've made a huge fucking mistake and wasted the last eight months of my life doing this.
Typing this all out has made me feel a bit better I suppose, hopefully I'll be relaxed enough that the sleeping pills will kick in.
This office is NOTHING like the last. Absolutely nothing, other then being a dental office. By the end of the day, both yesterday and today, I was shaking with shear terror/stress. I literally COULD NOT STOP, and I needed to because we use double films and it's really hard to separate those if your hands are shaking. I keep making stupid mistakes, mistakes that I SHOULD know better not to do, but because I'm so fucking scared I cannot think straight.
Tuesday I kinda expected I would feel confused and a bit stressed and scared. Heck, my first day at the previous place was kinda stressful too! I thought I would be better today, especially after I told the doctor that I was comfortable doing child prophy (which I was). Instead, today was about three times as worse emotionally. I was so scared in the morning that I felt like puking in the parking lot, and on the way home I was crying while driving on the freeway. I could not stop.
And now I can't stop crying while typing this. I feel like a failure. I feel like I threw $13,000 out the fucking window because I thought it would be kinda nice for once to have an actual fucking career that didn't involve dog shit. I haven't cried like this over a fucking JOB since I tried working two full time jobs. (a situation which ended after nearly two weeks and I almost killed my self. I am NOT KIDDING). I do not fucking deal with stress at all well. I am seriously considering taking all my critters over to the Oregon Humane Society and dropping them off on their doorstep before ODing on something. Again, NOT KIDDING! The only reason why I haven't yet is because I KNOW there are slower paced offices out there and maybe I should try to find one after my extern hours are up.
It isn't the people at this office. It really isn't. I have no problems taking criticism, and everyone's very understanding about me being new. This dentist is also awesome, like the last one was. The other assistants are awesome. Even the slightly-short tempered Russian hygienist assistant is pretty awesome. The office manager told me she wants to hire me, which I suppose is nice but if things don't drastically improve for me by that time (in about two weeks ohshitohshitohshit) I will turn them down. I need a job, but not at the expense of my mental health.
I'm not sure what my problem is, other then being new in a BIG SCARY office, but I think it might be a control issue combined with my until-now in-remission anxiety issues (HELLO THERE NO SLEEPY TIMES! YOU AND I HAVEN'T BEEN TOGETHER IN NEARLY THREE YEARS!) I feel like I'm in the middle of a whirlwind and I'm just going to get dashed against the ground at any moment by some stupid mistake and I'll hurt a patient AND IT WILL BE ALL MY FAULT! Because I'm stupid and thought this would be a good career for me. I feel like an idiot, like a fucking failure and that I've made a huge fucking mistake and wasted the last eight months of my life doing this.
Typing this all out has made me feel a bit better I suppose, hopefully I'll be relaxed enough that the sleeping pills will kick in.